I have a diary, and I think this pieces of confession should be written in my diary instead of this blog. But, I decided to put in on here as I had abandon this blog for very long time, and I hope this confession might be kinda help to whoever need it.
Last few days, I really had such big crisis or maybe I should put it as, a turning point in my life. Someone really knock me out to come to the situation I am in now. That someone, I would address as Zuzu. Zuzu was once my acquaintance in my uni. We were once a good friends before the friendship end up to an acquaintance. During those time, there’s a lot of thing that I had my own strong believe and walk my life with it. And one of the belief is Korean entertainment would never give a hell benefits for anyone that got stuck with it. So, I’m telling you readers, I was once an anti kpop fans.
Worst come to worst, after I had graduated from uni, very huge changes and challenges I had encountered throughout my life, things turned out that I’m being a big fans of kpop! K-dramas, runningman, kpop idols, I got stuck, trapped and attached to all of them. So badly.
Recently, for the last 2 months, I just get introduced to Teen top from Runningman. One of the recent episode play the song Miss Right. And I have heard the song from weekly idol. Starting from that, I become a big fans of them. I had downloaded most of their song's dance version. Watch their activities thru U tube since I subscribed the channel and it keep giving me update notifications. I in fact had upgraded my internet data plan just so that I had enough to watch them every day in U tube.
Then, last few days, Zuzu suddenly get in touch with me and asking if I’m being a kpop fans now? Like seriously? I believe, zuzu couldn’t accept it because I was once very strict with my belief and also influencing (forcing) zuzu to also think the way I am thinking. I admit, that my very mistakes to not being considerate and empathy enough. Maybe, zuzu have some issues against me while in uni. It just some misunderstanding that I tried my best to explain to zuzu. But, the issue was nothing related to K-Wave. It's just something like student's matter back then. I thought zuzu really understand it well when zuzu replied, “ok, Understood. U should tell me this earlier”. Well, I believe, there’s still a heartache remaining that makes zuzu suddenly attacked me with the harsh way last few days. Yes, harsh. I found it harsh. I cried wholeheartedly, screamed as if I’m physically in pain. Until my family got shocked and worried what happened to me in my room.
Why did I cried and screamed? Because it is painful inside. What is it that painful? Is it the harsh way of zuzu? No! Not that. It’s the fact that I had done something unbeneficial that cause me in pain. The facts that, I knew I had waste ample of my time. The fact that, I had to leave behind teen top and it might cause so much pain. So I screamed loud! I cried hard. I wanted to do it and I feel like I’m just being breakup. I started to look up for MESTICA in U tube. The first song I played was Destinasi Cinta and my wholeheartedly groaning accompanied by the song. The lyrics of the song really touched me. Snap me out! That the main destination that I need to reach is so near. I might not realize that every single day I heading to somewhere. But, one clear thing, sometimes I feel lonely, like having an emptiness. Even I tried to occupy the emptiness by doing the things I like, I still feel there’s insufficiency in my soul. I never feel it before. I just have heard about it. But, when it happened to me, I just like, yaa.. human would feel this way.. it is something possible.
So start from that moment, I had determined enough! I transferred all Korean movies, drama, runningman, teen top activities, k-songs that I had downloaded in my laptop into my hard disk. I don’t want it to be in my lappy anymore that it would make me harder to get access into it.
And, my struggle become so much harder as time goes by. Every day I cried. I couldn’t even eat well. Nasheed really help me to put me in full awareness of my end destination. Since I don’t have any nasheed files, so I just use U tube to find it.
Here comes another pain. U tube always suggested the video that I used to watch all these time. After I played the nasheed, when I look up for other nasheed, U tube recommended me the video of my favourite teen top. And it more painful when the video title is only about Changjo and his face was all adorable shown in the screen. It’s really painful to me as I keep thinking how stupid I am to fallen to them and waste so many time and efforts on them. But, at the same time, they still look adorable and good to me. Alhamdulillah, I managed to control myself. Even it’s tempting, but I manage to skip it and snap out of it!
Today, the feeling is much better. When I’m driving and I suddenly humming the teen top song or laughing while flash back the videos of them that I had watched, I quickly recite the istighfar. And sincerely supplicate to Allah, help me to become closer to Him. Help me to have the best ending (husnulkhotimah).
Just now, I just read one of the hadith, saying: “whoever leaves something (bad thing) for the sake of Allah, Allah shall compensate him a better in return.”
Who knows, If Allah would compensate with a handsome oppa, that have handsome manners and being responsible and have good knowledge about the deen? Right? That really healing. I hope this struggle will success. K-wave or whatever it is, I'm not gonna blaming them or bad-mouthing about them that I wrote this confession. Not at all. I hope people don't get me wrong. It's me that fail to manage my interest tendency and life priority that makes me need to put a stop to the k-wave thingy. As it didn't yet bring any good for me. And whoever is in my boat, let’s strive together! Do it, for the sake of Allah.